The Times

Times are tough. I was in a B of A not two days ago and I am almost quite sure I overheard a man talking to a banker about a balance in his account of just $40. 

I have a friend and she lives with her boyfriend; both are relatively new to Portland and they moved cross country with little more than their backpacks and bicycles. She busts her ass, working, I'm quite sure for minimum wage or close to that and doing writing for two different papers. Meanwhile she doesn't have any of the luxuries I do, things I often take for granted. Like my cell phone, my car and the fact that I have some nice clothing hanging in the closet. Though she has a home it almost made me want to cry when I saw her meager wardrobe hanging up in a closet too large for the combination of two dressers and a few of her boyfriend's shirts. 

She and I were talking about the economic crisis, but not the housing or banking problems that face our country now. We were talking about the state of the last few years; the fact that young people are having as hard a time as ever before trying to scrape by. What makes this doubly sad is that Portland is a pretty livable town in terms of housing rent; though some areas of the city are pretty expensive to live in. No, we were talking about how it's been hard for the last few years; something I attribute to the domino effect. 

Though I haven't been earning my own way for more than a few months I can say that I think the second gas prices started reaching $2.50 per gallon things started getting rough for people. People now are doing really badly especially struggling middle and lower-middle class people; people, who, a few years ago would be doing alright or bettering their circumstances and getting it really rough. The thing is, I feel like it isn't until now, when gas is mercifully topping out at $3.40 a gallon, that politicians are saying that people are having a rough time. Truth is, the second gas prices went up people started tightening the belt or sliding backward, and this only got worse the higher gas prices rose, and then eventually, when food prices got really high. The other day $25 bought me a 5 micro dinners and a gallon of milk. For years, dating back even to 2000 clothing prices, even at average places got expensive. 

So when a man, undoubtedly from Lake Oswego or West Linn came into Aaron Brothers yesterday and had 14 original, signed posters to frame and found out that they would be around 100 dollars before a %25 off coupon was applied to the frames, and then demanded that he get a better deal, I felt like beaning him and stretching my arm around the desk and slapping him. Dude, if you have the type of job that can afford you the chance to get 14 different original signed Nadal vs. Federer posters, then your doing alright, and you don't need an extra discount that only applies to you, and not "the average guy off the street." What an asshole. The guy thought he walked on water and deserved better then everyone else. Even if the Lord Almighty showed up and asked for a special deal we couldn't do it. We can't arbitrarily do that kind of thin; and if someone like the asshole wants a deal, they need to go to a flea market, ebay or Turkey, but either way, they need to stay the fuck away from Aaron Brothers.  As he's arguing with me, his three children, whom he can afford to support, start playing with stuff in the shop and leave stuff on the floor. Future generation of America, god help us all. 

Like I said, times are tough, and it is times like this that I feel lucky to not only be employed but to also have a good paying job that provides health benefits. I really do feel lucky to be employed when things are so junky, and I am thankful. I also wish good luck to those who have been or who are now recently struggling. 

Have Faith, Will Travel

There I sat with my head cushioned by two pillows, feet in my manly hiking shoes draped over the arm of the couch, second day hair in my face and tears pouring down my cheeks and nose. I cringe now to even think about it. Though it wasn't more than a week ago, I (thankfully) cannot put myself in the same place of that pain. However, it makes me sad deep down to my bones to think about how sad I was then. 

The thing that grabs me by the gut is the fact that I had and have so little faith in myself. Jane asks me where this comes from. I don't know, I replied. 

And this is the truth. I don't know at which point or developmental intersection I lost or never gained faith in myself. I don't know where I failed to believe that I can take care of myself, that I can withstand anything. And worse yet, is that the facts point in the opposite direction; every move I've made has been for the health and betterment of my life. So why is it then, that I have a hard time believing the very proof that lies right in front of me? I don't know. I think some of it might have to do with the idea of being humble as I feel uncomfortable being the center of attention (though I sometimes crave it). I also don't like tooting my own horn. But somewhere that crossed the line from being charming to harmful and I NEED to realize two things: life only happens a moment at a time; I am only prepared to handle what is happening right now in my life. And 2) that I have everything and more to live, to keep living, and to live a satisfying, accomplished and rich life. Why is that so hard to admit? 

And sometimes I feel like a mega poseur because I wrote a blog on my xanga page that is my favorite to date. I wrote that everything we do in life is faith. Every choice we make, every direction we head in and every accomplishment we achieve all depends on faith. We literally believe we can do something and then we do it. It's not a hard concept, simple, but unbelievably complex because I would argue that I have more faith and more doubt then anyone I know. And how is that possible? I don't know; I suppose you'd have to be me to feel that way. I wrestle with God and the idea of a Divine Creator on a daily basis. And I do believe in faith but have a hard time having faith in myself. How is that for complicated?

What Do I Want?

 So I'm sitting here in my warm, comfy bed at 4:20 am and I lie awake thinking about what I want. 

I just had my 22nd birthday and my parents said that as a present I can pick something special/ nice out. The only problem? I don't want anything. 

I mean, sure there are those things I see and think, hmmm....I would like to buy that cream, sensible, thinly insulated jacket because it's a good warm layer and I need something like that in these winters when I don't feel like wearing my baggy black wool coat. 

But I don't find myself really craving or wanting anything material, and as those who know me also know that I love material possessions and fashion, this is certainly not usual to my persona. 

It kind of worries me, this lack of wanting a coat or shoes or a purse. There is one thing I want, but I am resigned to save money towards a new Mazda because it's just too expensive for me right now. 

And then it dawns on me like it has over the last few days; maybe I've moved past wanting clothing. After dropping too much money in stores over the summer, I have a nice wardrobe that I am fairly happy in. I like almost everything I have and with the exception of buying a few more pairs of pants (as I no longer like some of my other pairs) and buying a few more long sleeve layers (as the cold weather and rain approaches) I like the stuff I've got for now. 

Maybe I've temporarily moved past wanting materials. I think I've moved to wanting love (which is kind of a foolish accusation because I've wanted love, the real deal since I was a young teenager). To wanting someone to love me in the same ferocious veracity I can love him. Maybe I want kittens in my life, animals I can curl up with and watch as they have their own personalities and wants. Maybe it's companionship and love and tenderness that I want (and I do), and maybe now is the time to want it (and to get it. (?))