Why do I feel as though my soul is wandering and will always wander, seeking and not sated until I hear those three words from a man?
I am a firm believer of a person, male or female standing on their own two feet and this quest has been especially close to my heart because I navigate the world in a variety of different lenses. I live in this world and try to create a life of my own as a highly focused individual; as an artist; as a tender-hearted and loving person; and most difficultly, as a woman.
I have no fear in saying that one of the hardest things I do in life is try to figure out what it means to be a woman. I also have no issue in saying that I believe gender remains on a spectrum and that I feel very masculine sometimes. As an individual I am highly aware that gender is one of the most complicated categories we are thrust into, because it pervades everything we do. And while I don't intend this piece to be some sociological study or expose or feature I will say that my egalitarianism and my sense of who I am as a woman add a hardness to my life.
Don't get me wrong, in the popular notion of what a woman is and how she feels I think I am definitely there, and this makes me feel good because I want to be average and normal in that way. But I also believe in seeing people without confines of sexuality or gender. I believe that our bodies are merely outward shells of who we really are, which is really a mind, a heart (both literal and figurative) intuition, thought and emotion. These have no confines of gender or genitals. Gosh...why am I going on about this....?
Let me get back to what I really wanted to say. As women we are expected to walk a fine line between staying young, single and flexible, and solid, stable and domesticated. We are expected to want both the summer flings and the wedding day; the boardroom and the bedroom and I find this unbelievably hard to do.
It is hard for me to be almost 22 and not dating. It's hard for me to have such a clear purpose in my life and to be focused on what I want but not being able to get it. I want love, but that depends on another person, not me so no matter how hard I work for it, I have to wait until it finds me, which is really hard in a world that teaches men and modern women that anything can happen if you persist and work hard enough.
I've heard over and over again that people think it's so fabulous (especially for women) to be in your 20s. After all, for men and women your skin has the best consistency, you are at your sexual peak and healthiest years. But no one prepares twenty-something women that being in your twenties is hard. We often either feel burdened, unsure about a relationship or we feel lonely and sad that we don't have one. In a world that makes it seem as though 20 year old women should find it easy to be picked up and going out with men, I feel really left out.
I once wrote that I value, above all else, to learn the immensity of who I am. My number one priority and lens through which I walk this life is to find out about me; to see me in eyes that are 100% open to who I am. And if that is the case, then my life comes first and men are merely accessories to my life. But why is it that I can have a perfectly beautiful outfit and the missing necklace or bag can negate everything that is good about the entire look? Maybe it all boils down to the fact that my search and passion for love is as much a part of me as the scar that resides over my left eyebrow, or the tales of my many broken limbs.
I suppose all I can do right now is do my best to create and be happy with the life I'm trying to live.
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