It's like I can't find the energy or the inspiration to write until I'm inspired by something else, which I suppose is quite natural and shouldn't bother me nearly as much as it does. And yet, I don't feel that fire licking red hot against my belly until I hear of a colleague in the writing scene or such getting a gig with a big paper, that makes me want to write as much. And sometimes I doubt my natural ability and drive. I mean, if I love to write, then shouldn't I be pursuing journalism at every second of every day? Shouldn't I be banging down doors all the time, sending out pitch after pitch, trying to write for the Oregonian, making that a focus of mine? And yet, I don't approach it that way, until I hear of a friend or writing buddy doing a piece for the Oregonian, and then I feel the fire flicker again.
This concerns me. It concerns me that I am a paradox of things. I crave attention and fame, I crave making a name that stands out in the crowd; but when I'm acknowledged, I shy away, feeling undeserving of such praise. I make one decision only to go the other way and live in some tortured valley of indecision--of second guessing and perpetual thinking, when all I really want to do is just make a decision and be proud of it.
I want and strive for a few major goals in life and yet I am afraid to pursue and get them. I envy free wheelers and travelers because their lives seem so adventurous. I envy my father's youth, as he drove around Florida, doing lighting and unloading music equipment for bands, while I took the more safe and secure path of going to a four year university and getting a stable, normal job.
In the end, what I'm most afraid of is not blazing a path of my own. I'm afraid of not having my name remembered and revered by others, of not being famous in some way. I'm afraid of never feeling as though I've caught that thrill, as though I've not adventured the way I want to. I'm afraid of not letting loose and living dangerously, without any inhibition.
I'm most afraid of not being unique, of being humdrum and doing what is safe and normal. And I'm afraid of not being able to love myself, whoever I turn out to be.
