In the middle of last August, a death occurred. Aunt Linda passed away. My aunt. My second mother. She left and I realized that I wasn't living. I kept thinking when I move out, when I have a place of my own, when I have a boyfriend, when I finally start making money, when I find that professional job, then I'll start living; then I'll decorate my room the way I want to, then I'll entertain the way I want to, then I'll live the way I want to. Then I'll start living the life I wanted. She was gone in the physical sense, and somewhere along the line I had stopped living long before she left this world.
I turned 25 in late September and panicked. I visited San Francisco in early October, and saw the city that I knew meant a great deal to him. I still carried him around.
Late October, I played the role of bridesmaid and reconnected with people that mean such a great deal to me; realized what was missing in my everyday Los Angeles existence.
Came home and realized that Anne had made a life for herself and chosen her own family when she said those vows. She was wed. I was alone. He emailed. I emailed back. He asked me to coffee. I agonized over the decision. Should I see him? November 3rd was a Monday and my legs were as solid as jelly as I went to that coffee shop and beheld that which had haunted me for nearly three years. And then, something fantastic happened. I looked at him and realized I didn't like him or want him anymore. I had seen the face of real love at Anne's wedding and he was not it. I had finished my coffee and I was tired of hearing him preach and go on about all of the things he was doing in his life. So, with no delay or any consideration for his feelings I said, well, I gotta go, and I did.
I was done living my life through his eyes, through what I thought were his parameters. It was time I started living my life according to my own priorities.
And then, I felt free. When I was invited out to a party or a get-together, I went, instead of choosing to sit alone at home. And then I met someone who was a writer, a friend of a friend, a man who made me laugh and who pursued me. I met someone great. And I went out and I liberated myself from the things that had constrained me.
Life continues to be hard. I am constantly split between pushing for a journalism career and trying something else to obtain a secure job. I haven't found the one or reached my dream dress size. I haven't moved out and things aren't going so well at my regular day job. To the casual observer, it may seem as though my life has stayed much the same. But that's not the case at all. I'm different. My life is different. I'm freer now than I have been in years and for the first real time in a long time, I have some faith. Faith in circumstances. Faith in the world. More faith than I could ever imagine in my friends. And more faith in myself.
Like a sculptor shaping clay into a new form, I have recreated and reshaped myself. I did. And for that reason, my blog posts have become fewer and farther between. I may never officially end this blog, but for the foreseeable future, I want to stop writing about myself and start LIVING this new life.
I'll see ya out in the world.
