Have Faith, Will Travel

There I sat with my head cushioned by two pillows, feet in my manly hiking shoes draped over the arm of the couch, second day hair in my face and tears pouring down my cheeks and nose. I cringe now to even think about it. Though it wasn't more than a week ago, I (thankfully) cannot put myself in the same place of that pain. However, it makes me sad deep down to my bones to think about how sad I was then. 

The thing that grabs me by the gut is the fact that I had and have so little faith in myself. Jane asks me where this comes from. I don't know, I replied. 

And this is the truth. I don't know at which point or developmental intersection I lost or never gained faith in myself. I don't know where I failed to believe that I can take care of myself, that I can withstand anything. And worse yet, is that the facts point in the opposite direction; every move I've made has been for the health and betterment of my life. So why is it then, that I have a hard time believing the very proof that lies right in front of me? I don't know. I think some of it might have to do with the idea of being humble as I feel uncomfortable being the center of attention (though I sometimes crave it). I also don't like tooting my own horn. But somewhere that crossed the line from being charming to harmful and I NEED to realize two things: life only happens a moment at a time; I am only prepared to handle what is happening right now in my life. And 2) that I have everything and more to live, to keep living, and to live a satisfying, accomplished and rich life. Why is that so hard to admit? 

And sometimes I feel like a mega poseur because I wrote a blog on my xanga page that is my favorite to date. I wrote that everything we do in life is faith. Every choice we make, every direction we head in and every accomplishment we achieve all depends on faith. We literally believe we can do something and then we do it. It's not a hard concept, simple, but unbelievably complex because I would argue that I have more faith and more doubt then anyone I know. And how is that possible? I don't know; I suppose you'd have to be me to feel that way. I wrestle with God and the idea of a Divine Creator on a daily basis. And I do believe in faith but have a hard time having faith in myself. How is that for complicated?