Various Thoughts of Cats, Sunlight, Security and Freedom

Nine days into November and I find myself in suspended motion, like my mind is still somewhere around the corner, sometime in October. I can't explain why, it just feels this way. 

Sometimes I find myself emotionally attached to a leaf or the way light hits a tree branch. I see the sunset and I can't help but feel at one with that certain stretch of pink that runs along orange right above the horizon. I feel these things so deep inside that it almost feels like mourning when they slip away bit by bit. It's like chasing the sunlight across the sky, only to be heading East into the shadows, away from the light. 

I also feel halved by my warring emotions regarding my family's Thanksgiving Day plans. While the one half of me would love nothing more than inviting mere acquaintances over at my parents', (I always thought holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas should be shared by big bolstering families and gatherings filled to the brim with friends), I also feel like I want this holiday to be a quiet one. My family, though normal on the outside has its idiosyncrasies.

No matter what the circumstances or the company, I am undoubtedly looking forward to seeing my dear friends Amelia and Jess Short. And above all, I am looking forward to finding two cats, nestled in bedding, paws and tails touching. I can't wait for the meowing and the purring and everything that my girls bring to my life. Hopefully, they will forgive me enough for moving away that they'll reward me with a cuddle sometime in the early morning hours, sometime between nighttime fog and morning sunshine. 

Sometimes I get a slightly panicky feeling right before I go to sleep and right when I wake up. I feel like every day without a pitch or a successful offer from a paper means I am slipping backward from writing. It's like having the nagging feeling in the back of your head that you've missed an important deadline, appointment or bill payment. You search and search and think you should be okay, but you still can't find what it is that makes you itch, uncomfortably. And the hardest part is to be in a place where complacency takes over because you're finally secure. Freedom is great but comes at a great price; it is no longer possible to always have a sense of security and for those of us who crave the material, it can be a hard way to live. By the same token, security seems like opportunity passes us by.