Why?

Why is it that once I've gotten in touch with someone seemingly non-judgmental, I feel nothing but inadequate? He says I can be as creative as I want. This should be empowering, but for some reason it isn't. Instead, I feel as though I have to live up to huge expectations, that I want to impress this person. Why? Not only does his personal philosophy eschew any need for judgment, but why do I feel as though I have to impress this person? Why is it that I feel I need to show him how far I've come, what I've done, who I've dated, so on and so forth.

Because he matters, my voice tells me. Because as much as I've always wanted him not to matter, to mean nothing to me, he will always mean something to me. He will always be the one I felt so much for. He will always be that person I wish I could have meant so much to. One begets the other; if you really dig someone you really hope they dig you too. And when they don't you spend too much time trying to figure out how you could strike it so good with someone if they weren't meant to feel that same way about you.

Miranda Lambert says it best when she sings "I hate you but I can't let go."

And that is the sad truth about the matter. No matter how much I try to move on with my life, he'll always be there, with his dark hair, lean frame and motorcycle leather. But I can and have chosen to move forward and other fantastic things have come as well. If he haunts me, I choose to have him haunt me as a ghost of the past instead of a memory of the present. After all, I have too much to do, too many things to succeed at and conquer. Too many people to laugh with and love. Andrew, that means you.