Wish List

It hasn't been easy to list twenty things that I want on my Christmas list. My dad asked for twenty things so he can choose and pick from among them; this way the gifts I do get will hopefully be surprises. 

There was once a time when I would have had no problem with listing a plethora of things, but now I realize that the things I want in life are not really things my parents can give me. 

This is not to say that when spring and summer role around, I won't want the new fashion or a pretty shiny patent leather, luxury name purse, just to prove that I've made it. But for the most part, I'm in this phase of my life where I don't want much that's material. The daily pleasures I pursue are drink and good food. This can get spendy, albeit, wanting good food is not an item you can really ask for. 

I've just realized that the major things I want in life are big purchases and large goals: like having enough of a down payment to pay for almost a quarter to a half of a new car. Having a down payment for a house. Having enough money to have some pets, take guitar and tennis lessons, make a real living on writing, be in a relationship. My parents can't necessarily get me these things and for some of these items, my parents can't do anything to help get me there. 

No matter how much I truly crave, as number one on my list, wanting to have the love I dream of, no one can do that for me. I just have to wait for it to come and that's the hardest thing. 

Modern women, and indeed the very way Americans are programmed, is to think that if you are willing to work harder than anyone else, you can make your dreams happen. This is hard though when you realize that no matter how smart or capable you are, or how well you invest your money, or how frugal you are, or how charming, or how hard you work, these are no indicators of how or when you'll find that love. In this circumstance, working hard has nothing to do with finding a good relationship, or finding the one. And that's the hard thin; to be told since childhood to dream as big as you want to, and to work as hard as you can to fulfill that dream. Sometimes the things we dream of can't be reached by working hard. 

On a final note: sometimes it makes me sad that I've largely moved past the wanting stuff phase. Sometimes it's really nice to want something attainable and to have it given to you. But I've moved past that; I've moved to a place where I want to prepare for the rest of my life. And those major purchases and steps along the way---those things cannot be gotten from filling out a Christmas wish list to Santa.