Mom made me promise her, as I lay in the hospital bed, to keep riding; in her own words, she was saying that though I'd taken two hard falls, she wanted me to get back in the saddle and ride, immediately.
She reminds me of that now, that I can't let too much time go before I get back in the saddle, otherwise, the longer the time between falling and riding, the harder it is to take that risk again.
I remember her words when I start to drag my feet on something, when I read an overview for a job position and my throat slides into my belly with anxiety, with the possibility that my skills are as impractical and feckless as my shadow whispers to me, in the back of my mind. A constant, dull voice that says over and over again, what if......what if I'm not good enough, or I can't take the critique, or I fuck up, or worst of all, if I get fired. I don't know what to do with this voice but to remind myself of previous accomplishments, of the many struggles I faced before crossing the graduation platform to receive my diploma, that stuck it out in Oregon post-graduation for a miserable ten months, and that I look back now and see an entire portfolio of written articles.
It's the same for relationships, although in this realm I'm much more optimistic. So it didn't work with Andrew, but I still believe I can meet the right one as some of my friends have done. For some reason, I'm more optimistic about my future love life, although I have no proof to show for it, but I remind myself that unlike the job search, relationships aren't dictated by the booms and busts of a marketplace, globalization or automation.
I'm apprehensive and shaken, brimming with self-doubt, but I'm tightening the girth and one day not too far off I'll have my foot in the stirrup.
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