Leaping from a ledge

And this is what it feels like to take a flying leap off a ledge....I've always been paralyzed by fear, and the need to make it go away leads me to be a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush kind of a person. So, it's very scary to know that someone I loved at one point is engaged. That's it. No going back now.

I sit here, clearly upset about this. If he's happy, then great, but it still leaves me with a question mark on the future. Like.....where's my partner? Do I have one? I was the one that broke up with him, not because I didn't love him, but because we weren't the right fit and I loved him so deeply I was always afraid of hurting or stringing him along, so I ended it. I let him go for good reasons. And I've been rewarded with loneliness, a thing I avoid at most costs, with the exception of co-dependence.

I keep telling myself that I will not be with someone simply because I'm afraid of being alone. Although an empty bed is starting to wear on me in ways I couldn't previously imagine. In fact, I've really been drowning in grief, barely treading the water. I've always been a person to take into account that life is full of suffering, and I'd like to form a partnership with someone, so we can hold one another's hands when the chips are down. There's a great piece of a dialog from an otherwise mediocre movie that is In Good Company; something to the effect of one character asking another how they knew who the right soul mate was. The older character says, you know, life is hard, you just grab who you think is a good partner, get in the foxhole together. That's kind of the way I've envisioned it too.

So here's my leap. I ended it knowing this could happen, knowing he probably would move on permanently with someone else. My leap of faith is the fact that there's no guarantee there's someone else out there. Man, I hope there is. I really do. But I have the cold piece of comfort to know that I made the right choice for both of us.
 

Cigarettes

What is it about cigarettes that are still so fascinating? Especially in light of decades of empirical non-partisan research that shows smoking causes many types of cancers in the human body.

I ask the question for many reasons; I've been watching the brilliant television series Saving Grace and Californication which both feature self-destructive characters that smoke like chimneys. The characters' love of cigarettes, promiscuous sex and heavy drinking are all signs of self-destruction, but I beg the question: why is self destruction so sexy?

It's not of course. I've seen too many family members die from complications from smoking to know that there's really nothing sexy to it. It's disgusting really; inhaling vapor death. Yes, all people die, but since I've witnessed cancer and complications from smoking firsthand, I can honestly tell other people, that cancer is not a good way to go. No way really is, and few are lucky enough to die in their sleep, but cancer is sickening pain; sick cells replicating themselves and spreading, attacking the inside of the body until nothing but pain is left.

Why is self-destruction sexy? Maybe it's because it's such an intense, passionate emotion. Maybe self destruction is the beginning phase to creating someone better; the way the phoenix has to explode into painful fire and die down to ashes in order to return strong. Or maybe it's because the phoenix only shows its most magnificent feathers seconds before it incinerates itself. Either way, the beauty comes at a price.

Time's Pain

To say that missing someone dulls with time,
like a scar that heals
shows up on the skin
is to lie about what missing someone is like

It can be years, days, months, hours
but the pain that comes from missing someone is not like a scar at all
for scars eventually heal, and there is no pain, but just an angry design on the skin

yearning and missing is a breathing, stinging and relentless beast
that lays you open and consumes you, piece by piece
leaving you raw and flayed, tears brimming to the eyes with nothing to help

yes, Time dulls the pain, but perhaps
the most painful thing of all, is that it is always there
a sleeping dragon scorching the heart sometimes, even years later

when it's over, it's over, but there's always something to miss
his eyes, his scent, his words, his thoughts, which cannot be replaced by another
......something

and that sadness never completely goes away
that is the worst pain of all

Brown Penny

There's so much I want to say and so much that I've recently been thinking about. Sometimes I get so sick of my own voice, feeling it's too navel-gazing, too self-indulgent; I get tired of my voice because I feel like it's completely narcissistic to write about me, about my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, and I start to sound a little whiny to my own ears. After all, who gives a flying fuck what I have to write about? So for this entry, I will type out a poem, although written in a man's voice---it's one of my favorites that emotes much of what I currently feel.  I owe a deep debt of gratitude to that great Irishman, Mr. William Butler Yeats.

I whispered 'I am too young',
And then, 'I am old enough'; 
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love young man
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah penny, brown penny, brown penny
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

Green Lake, Seattle

A year ago I was witness to my dear friend Emily getting married in Portland. Andrew sat beside me, his arm reassuringly around my shoulders and his hand in mine.

It's been about a year and it hurts when I think that he and I aren't together. It's strange, that I have this compulsion to want to make things permanent with all things and all people, as if having the relationship with the same person in the future makes the memories of our past that much more real. A falsity I know, since past, present and future exist as separate entities; memories made in the past can't be touched or erased because they exist no matter what the present or future holds. In this way, I know, as I get sad from time to time about us, that the time Andrew and I spent together remains, pristine and special, hanging somewhere in the ether, protected.

I'll be going to Seattle this July, and Seattle only conjures up memories of him and I, sharing a hotel room, showing him my favorite city, the kick ass EMP-SCI FI museum, the Space Needle, the way Seattleites dedicate wasted sidewalk grass strips to vegetable gardening. I remember that it was gray and a bit damp (shocker), but the greens, oh my gawd, the greens of the grasses and the leaves, the vibrant colors of the tulips that just jumped from the petals to hit you in the eyes, all of it was glorious.

My favorite Seattle memory from that time was this: although it was evening the sun stayed out late, so much in fact that Andrew and I were walking around and taking buses at 9pm, because the sun had set so fast, catching us off guard.

It was about 7:30 when Andrew and I got off the bus from the University district and we were lost, but decided to walk around anyway. There in the distance, ahead of newly built townhouses and modest, lovely homes, was a big lake glimmering in the sunlight. The sun peaked low on the horizon  but strong, and shining its rays on the water so that the reflection was a light orange. A large running path wound its way around the lake. A desert girl, I appreciate rain and water the way most Mid-Westerners appreciate warmth in the depth of winter. I looked on this stunning view and thought, wow, what a beautiful place to live.

He and I will always have that memory, that sun set and the Green Lake.

Saddle Up

Mom made me promise her, as I lay in the hospital bed, to keep riding; in her own words, she was saying that though I'd taken two hard falls, she wanted me to get back in the saddle and ride, immediately.

She reminds me of that now, that I can't let too much time go before I get back in the saddle, otherwise, the longer the time between falling and riding, the harder it is to take that risk again.

I remember her words when I start to drag my feet on something, when I read an overview for a job position and my throat slides into my belly with anxiety, with the possibility that my skills are as impractical and feckless as my shadow whispers to me, in the back of my mind. A constant, dull voice that says over and over again, what if......what if I'm not good enough, or I can't take the critique, or I fuck up, or worst of all, if I get fired. I don't know what to do with this voice but to remind myself of previous accomplishments, of the many struggles I faced before crossing the graduation platform to receive my diploma, that stuck it out in Oregon post-graduation for a miserable ten months, and that I look back now and see an entire portfolio of written articles.

It's the same for relationships, although in this realm I'm much more optimistic. So it didn't work with Andrew, but I still believe I can meet the right one as some of my friends have done. For some reason, I'm more optimistic about my future love life, although I have no proof to show for it, but I remind myself that unlike the job search, relationships aren't dictated by the booms and busts of a marketplace, globalization or automation.

I'm apprehensive and shaken, brimming with self-doubt, but I'm tightening the girth and one day not too far off I'll have my foot in the stirrup.

How much of it was me, and how much of it was her? I don't know and the reality of it is that no matter how much I try to be objective, I'm living in my head, so my world is already shaded. I remember once in high school, an English teacher told my class that people tend to see themselves and their viewpoint in a more positive light than that of their opponent's when it comes to an argument. All of this being said, when I detach myself from the situation I can honestly say that she was a terrible manager; discouraging, negative, picky, impatient and critical of me with impossibly high expectations, she had no understanding that people need to know what they do well, along with the things they don't do so well. To focus solely on the mistakes made and the things that could be better is no way to inspire someone to do better or play to their strengths. A month and a half is not a long enough time to allow someone to do well, learn and get better before getting hard on them either.

These are the things I can be objective about. Nevertheless, I have found myself rootless and shaken, my confidence all but gone. There have been times in my life where I say I don't know what I'm doing, but right now, I feel like that's the truth. I was trained and loved but one thing when I was in college. That one thing was writing, journalism, but it's extremely daunting to me now in "the real world" to know that fighting for a j-job takes a willingness to constantly self-promote, to expend energy every second of every day thinking of what stories exist, how to pitch them......And at the end of the day journalism jobs are highly unstable and pay little to nothing, rarely a decent income with benefits.

I feel tortured; the one thing I love is the one thing that won't support me financially, but I cringe when I think of spending years chained to a 9-5:30 desk, performing a job by wrote, with little or no room for creativity or for anything else that matters.

I try reminding myself that just because I have a tendency to place things at opposite poles does not mean they exist there. Just because a job is a desk job doesn't mean it won't allow for fulfillment or creativity. Just because journalism doesn't pay now, doesn't mean it might not lead down a road towards a content position that does pay. I tend to live in opposites and must remind myself that life consists of multiple shades of gray, rarely black and white.

And why lose ALL confidence in myself? I'm personable, hard working and quick learning. Although I didn't know Excel or Word proficiently while I was there, I did learn details about the programs, things I didn't know before starting the position. It is possible to learn these programs,  and once learned, no one, not even a negative manager can take those skills away.

Daniel Pink writes in A Whole New Mind that story telling is one of those high-touch, high-concept skills that can't be easily replicated in Asian markets, where systematized, logical work can be done via computer, for much less money. Maybe journalism jobs are disappearing and maybe it's no longer a viable career option for me; but if what Pink says is true, there must be room for some solace in his words. After all, I'm a story teller, and it's true that my voice cannot be easily, or cheaply reproduced by someone else. 

So, right now, I'm trying to self analyze and figure out how I can learn from this failure. The most dangerous thing I could do would be to latch on to this experience the next time I'm working a new job and facing a critique. I don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy like "if I get critiqued, I'll be worried about my job, which will make me worry more, which will harm the quality of my work, which will inevitably lead to someone firing me because my work's gotten worse." This is the mantra I need to stay away from.  I need to realize that events, although linked, do happen in finite, separate times, and are unique to themselves. They may be linked by a thread, but experiences are not like dominoes. Just because one thing falls through doesn't mean that it pushes everything ahead of it to fall through as well.