I am concerned about a few things according to my personality type traits: a negative of 4 is that fours typically long for something when they can't have it and then when it's made available, they don't want it anymore. This is a scary concept because that melancholic longing for someone and the pushing away, I believe, is the foundation of an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. Having four traits and a one wing, I also believe that I have the negative trait of pushing away from things that are easily gotten. This doesn't mean that these things are bad, it just means that my perception of them might be skewed simply because I have a tendency to not embrace what is comfortable or simple or easy.
As I've gotten a little older and had just a smidge more experience with this than I have in the past few years, I realized something unsettling about myself. I was telling Jane that when guy is into me, (because this happens so often), or if a guy is flirting with me or compliments the way I look, there is a part of me that feels very uneasy. I feel like I am prey and I have to be careful. And I also feel repulsed. I know it sounds bizarre, especially because I should enjoy someone commenting on my beauty, especially if I've put extra effort into my style for the night. But, it insults me; like my outward beauty should have nothing to do with the way someone feels about me. Which I know is silly because part of love is physical and sexual attraction and, while we gain insight or intuition about someone regarding the type of vibe they give off, the only way we really get interested in anyone is based firstly, on their outward appearance. And this being the case, shouldn't I be flattered that people find me attractive? Isn't it enough for me to know that my inner beauty matches and exceeds my outward beauty, which I believe is saying a lot. (I have no intention of being full of myself right now as I know that I am not the prettiest woman or even near to drop-dead gorgeous, but I am attractive and have a beautiful face complete with gorgeous eyes and a dazzling smile).
This being said, I feel as though my gut reaction is to be completely off-put by someone who flatters me with words about the way I look. And I realize it's because that is easy. It is the easiest thing in the world to look at someone and tell them they are attractive, whether with true intention or the motivation to get some behind it. It seems to me that anything easy is disgusting, because it is pedestrian and not worth much. It's an insult and not attractive.
And this is hard for me, because no matter how much I don't like the obvious or easy, this is the way at least 75% of the world operates and I don't want to be turning down 75% possibility and opportunity because I am too rigid. I hate that I'm rigid but no matter how much I try, like a scientist fervently trying everything to make oil and water mix, there's just no possibility of me changing. I wish I could be way less stringent and chill and easy-going and go-with-the-flow. But I'm not and I can't be. And it pisses me off because I think I would enjoy life more and I would be easier to be with sometimes and I would be a kinder friend sometimes, more understanding, and accept and enjoy and attract opportunities to me more often. And mostly of all, I would not take everything so seriously. Everything is so serious with me. And I'm so tired of it sometimes.
In the movie "Before Sunrise" Jesse talks about how people must be so sick of themselves and hate themselves so much because no matter what you do or where you go or what you think, you've done it and heard it before. No matter where you go there is no place where you haven't brought yourself, your personality and thoughts and beliefs with you. He figured that it was nice to be with someone who liked to hear what he had to say because he'd heard himself say the same thing over and over because he was always there when his mouth spoke a thought from his mind. This probably doesn't make sense, but what I'm trying to say is that he is right. There is no way for me to escape my mind or to be absent from my personality and experience something new. I am with me wherever I go and sometimes I get so sick of myself. Sometimes I wish I could have a completely different personality shift. Like I could enter another dimension and this dimension would allow me to shed my personality and be someone else entirely and then I could really see what life is like being another person.
Where do I go from here? I want to say. Does this mean that my growth point will always be a stressor, and if so, does this mean that I can ever become a better more balanced person? Does it mean I will always be conflicted? I really hope not, but I suppose only time will tell.
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