Meaning

Dateline---May 31, 2009

The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines meaning as:

Significant quality; especially; implication of a hidden or special significance.

It is not until today that I so singularly pinpoint a major theme of my life, or rather, the way I live. I invest in meaning, in things being meaningful.

Though I was thankful to have a place to go to last night, a place to hang out and commiserate with others, I did not have a great time at the party and bailed as soon as I could. I put words to feelings I've had in the past when I told Anne on the phone today that I would rather have an intimate conversation or get-together with a few friends, than go to a party with many people. I would rather connect to someone, even if it hurt, than to have a superficial and shallow conversation with someone. I invest in the power that words hold, in the fact that they can symbolize meaning to another individual. The sheer fact that words, letters that represent sounds which ring from our vocal cords, can mean something from the mind, heart and soul, makes communication a profound exercise in humanity. This is precisely why I chose Communication Studies in college; as a non-believer and intense atheist Freshman year, communication glinted with a divinity all its own.

I hate small talk. I hate shallowness. I hate ease-when it comes to people settling on easy achievements. I've never liked the idea of casual sex; it is the epitome of ease. We are biologically wired to have sex as a survival technique, which means, that it takes no thought at all, past the age of puberty, to jump on someone.

But what's the point if it doesn't mean something? What's the point of telling someone you love them if that love doesn't include all the fierceness and loyalty and depth that mean something?

A digression I suppose. But I realized that with my wiring, I'm not able to just fool around with someone or "to date and have fun." I'm not able (and am fortunate enough to not have) to take a job if I can't see it's worth somehow. Many people would say I'm uptight--and I'd agree, but only because most people live in this world where emotions, goals and ideas don't necessarily require a quality or significance. I can't bring myself to live in a world without value, without intentions and qualities and significances. I just wasn't wired that way.

My biggest curse and one of my most valued qualities is that I live in an idealist's plane of experience--there are higher meanings and purposes and values and qualities to ideas and policies and actions. This means I crash and burn from time to time. When I am torn up and lying awake at four in the morning going over every detail of what went wrong or what I hate about life or myself--do I wish that I could let it go and not take things so seriously? Absolutely. Does it worry me that I take things so seriously? YES. Does this mean that there is an extraordinary amount of pain in store for me as I wander this life. YES.

But I remember a conversation I once had with a very skilled and compassionate man; a psychologist. He said that while it may suck on an emotional level to be me, to live the way I do, people like me are needed in the world, because the natural world order is for the strong to eliminate the weak. For the world to work on sheer power and strength; feelers, empaths are needed to make the world a better place; a place where "weak" things can show their worth and brilliance as working parts of this world. We are the idealists, the ones constantly shouldering the burden because others won't. We're the ones that want to judge and create and reform and inspire others to achieve levels of potential greatness.

We are the bohemians that champion art, freedom, truth, love so that others may draw some enjoyment from these things. Because, at th end of the day, if no one else is going to support the world, they let it drop at their feet, they live an easier life but for the sake of everyone here, someone (or some people) need to be Atlas--shouldering the junk the easy people have left by the wayside.

This work means something and I'm just waiting to mean something to someone else.

Gavin DeGraw sings---

Love has a reason,
There's a meaning to the world