He lies there, white and pale, having just had a heart attack after engaging in sex with a woman not his wife. Minutes before his faithful wife Mona walks in, he tells his friend Draper, "I wish I knew where I was going." Then the heartbreak (is it mine?) starts when he cries and looks his wife in the eye sobbing the words "I love you so much Mona."
Perhaps it was the question that struck me so, but I think it was mostly the tears. I've been there, in that place where I feel as though I have a direction and a purpose in this life, but I feel as though I'm spinning my wheels. Treading water, I feel as though there might be a big possibility that I might not be able to pursue what it is I love in this life. Everything now seems so finite, so definite, as though decisions and possibilities and steps taken will carry through and dictate the rest of my life.
Alcohol and narcotics abusers are told to take one day at a time; asking a person to forgo what it is that got them through the day prior is like asking a normal person to forgo water: to these people life seems simply unlivable without their crutch of choice. So, the idea is to break life down into simple steps that can be lived without an overwhelming amount of anxiety. I bring this up because I'm a person who very often gets overwhelmed and anxious about the future, and the saddest part about that is that I often don't live now, which means I don't live. Life, while I live on this Earth is finite, and though it might sound trite, the only way to live in the face of mortality is to really live presently in each moment. As I am me, this is hard to do and I must constantly remind myself that though life seems so set now, so definite, this is merely a perception of mine and not reality itself.
There have been moments that I wish I could only have been more present, if only because they were fleeting and last-ditch efforts. In the car, while I felt his hands on me and the heat from his mouth on my neck and in my ear, I remember looking at his chest and remembering the one before him; the guy that broke my heart. This isn't to say I didn't enjoy myself. I did. And there were moments that were so singularly his that when I get near him, I can feel them all over again. I just wish I'd been able to let go of someone else and embrace this guy all that much more.
Broken hearts as like ghosts that haunt, spreading unease in waking moments and sucking the life out of the present.
And just think, this whole line of thought started because a television character had a heart attack while cheating on his wife.
2 comments:
I disagree with your idea that living in the present is not living. Living in the future and the past, is not living. I also disagree, it isn't "the crutch of choice" that hinders us from life, but the often paralyzing inability to make a choice that hinders us from life. You talk about life being definite and a series of choices, but you neglect to mention the unexpected curve balls, the aspects of life that are thrown at you, that you had no choice in receiving. The unexpected is also an element of life, the portion you can't control. Nothing is "set", so if i were you, I would not demean the idea of living so much. Breaking life down into steps helps those who would drown in the sea of expectations that are placed on them, by others and themselves. They take a sip at a time rather than trying to drink a month's supply in one day. I don't think anyone is asking them to forgo water, I think addicts have been dehydrating themselves, so to speak. One step at a time gives them their life back, and yes they relearn how to live; they are given a new set of survival skills. We all adapt that way. Choices free us, don't take them for granted.
Everything you said is precisely what I meant. I think you might have misread my piece; I wrote that life is only lived in the present. Living in the past or the future isn't living because that spacial time is gone and when you focus on everything but the present you're wasting the pretty. I agree, I think you misread my stuff....
Post a Comment