Personal (R)Evolution

I laughed as I saw what the California DMV sent me in the mail today. As I stared at a picture of my 17 year old self, complete with lizard-green tinged skin, it suddenly occurred to me that when I said "yes" to having an original DMV picture put on my new license, it was the original California photo; the one where my face was a shade of sea-sick green.

I was saddened last June when the Oregonians claimed I couldn't keep my green faced-(and first ever) driver's license issued by the Brown Bear Republic. Because I'm me, I wanted to keep my original CA driver's license if for no other reason than the picture was good but was colored amazingly badly. I looked like a sort of space alien. My skin was green, and for those who know me, in reality, my skin is somewhere between porcelain and alabaster pale. At the Oregon DMV office, as they took my CA license away the clerk offered to make me a photocopy. I shook my head as I walked out of the office because the photocopy was in black and white, so he completely missed the point.

Alas, oh my sweet California has remembered how much I missed that green faced teenager, so unsure of herself, with the shy eyes looking back at me. It's as if, in every sense of the word and in true living color, I've come full circle.

There are too many coincidences and symmetrical patterns between last spring/ summer and this spring/ summer for me not to commemorate them. I no longer believe in wallowing in full-circle personal tragedies, but I do believe in honoring those moments that struck me and made me grow.

1. 2008- April and May-I was getting ready to make a major change in my life. College was about to end and I was preparing to say goodbye to old, loved friends. I was going to move to another state and start my life. 2009- April, I left old friends in Oregon and moved to another state-California to (re)start my life.

2. 2008-May- Friends went on a cruise that we had planned the August before. We dropped the plans due to lack of money, but their graduation present was a cruise so they went. 2009-May- planned and went on a cruise with my friends. This was a cruise I did not plan on getting, but made travel arrangements only after a phone call presented me with the ability to take a free cruise. To the Bahamas.

3. 2008- May and June- Jobless, antsy, restless, depressed and terrified of remaining jobless. 2009-May and June-Jobless, antsy, restless, filled with doubt and faith (depending on which part of the day) regarding the ability to find work.

4. 2008-June- Internship at Portland Sentinel begins. 2009-April/ May-Freelance work with the Pasadena Weekly.

5. 2008-Late June- Meet someone that sparks me. Fall head over heels for him. Meet him on one of the first hot and sunny weekends of the season. Attached and involved....weeks go by. What were his words? Oh yes, I remember. "I'm a busy guy and am not interested in a relationship...." a verbal slap across the face. 2009-Late April-a record breaking weekend of heat for the season. Meet someone that sparks me. Interested. Vow to take things slowly on an emotional level but subsequently get somewhat attached...and then--"I'm attracted to you but, I don't see a future or a long term relationship for us..."

A verbal slap across the face.

It has occurred to me, though I've not loved any of the men I've been involved with, that I've been the more intersted party, and that I have not even crossed their minds as someone to love. At the end of th day I have not been a person any of them have really been into.

It is here that I would like to state that just because a pattern has been established doesn't mean it will remain so. While I would like to control my emotions with my mind and I would like to promise myself that I won't moon over this last guy for some time, I'm letting all the mind control go. I will move at my own pace and will not chide myself for feeling the way that I do. I will also believe that I'm a catch and sooner or later, another one will come along, another chance at something potentially pretty special.

I will also state that from here on out, I will not perpetuate or wish to perpetuate things simply because they've happened in the past in the same time frame. From here on out all of the possibilities are really open and I will no longer allow myself to be bound and chained to old mentalities. After all, if the only major thing that has changed is the fact that I'm a year older, this proves that this year is not the same and that there is just as much a chance that this year may be ridiculously different.

So here's to letting go of the past's chains.

Dylan Thomas once wrote

"Time held me green and dying/
Though I sang in my chains like the sea."

I will sing, but not in chains. I will sing on Phoenix wings.

After all this typing here's what I'm really trying to say: memories are and will always be with me. But I'm in the midst of a personal (r)evolution and I will move forward into the future because I believe I can.