My Song

I am my father's son
Never known when to shut up
I ain't foolin' no one
I am my father's son

We don't see eye to eye
And I'll be the first to admit I never tried
Sure it hurts, but it should hurt sometimes
We don't see eye to eye

I was a young man when
I first found my pleasure in the feel of a sin
And I went down the same road as my old man
But I was younger then

Now it's 3 AM and I'm standing in the kitchen
Holding my last cigarette
Strike a match and I'm seeing my reflection
In the mirror in the hall
And I say to myself

I've got my Mama's eyes
Her long thin frame and her smile
And I still see wrong from right
'Cuz I've got my Mama's eyes
Yeah I've got my Mama's eyes

------Mama's Eyes, Justin Townes Earle

I could gush about this song until the proverbial cows come home but I won't. Suffice it to say that this song means a lot to me. I know what it's like to feel like I got demons from both parents. I also know what it's like to love them and know that they gave me some good things too. And parents aside, I find that I try to strip away life from myself, so that I can see my soul and who I really am; that part of me, that individual that existed before I was a twinkle in my parents' eyes.

I wish I had the talent of Mr. Justin Townes Earle, to put words into a meaningful song and have it rhyme, but I don't. However, I will try to start my version of his song.

I am my father's girl
His temper leads to the stubbornness of my will
Heard "should" too much
Got his art and direction too
I am my father's girl

We don't see eye to eye
And sometimes it hurts me because I always try
To open him up and hear his words but
We don't see eye to eye

I was a young woman then
Still am, but I'm growing up in a glance
Learning and endeavoring things
I thought I'd never do
But I was younger then........

That aside, I had an experience last night. Is it possible that I need to give myself more time? I hate that. We said our goodbyes to romance more than two months ago and I vowed to myself that I wasn't going to wallow and sit in sadness for what I had lost. I've done that more than once and all it leads to is brooding, boredom and sadness and three of these things combine to form this potent elixir which holds other men away from my life. I didn't want that. If my journey to find the right one and quell the loneliness I feel revolves around finding the right companion, how is mooning over someone going to help me in this endeavor?

And yet, is it possible that I moved too fast, put myself on the market when I hadn't moved past it completely? One part of me wants to say yes and the other part wants me to say, "but where has wallowing gotten me in the past? And don't you have to feel something for someone else in order to move on? If there aren't any other contenders then you feel attached to the person with which you're no longer romantically involved."

I don't know about all of this, but I'm going to ponder this in the next few days.