Settling

Carolyn, it seems like you settle for things. Like with these internships...things that are worth having don't come easily.

That's what he said the night I was remarkably clumsy with my feelings, thoughts and words.

And it both angered me and made me think. Internships aside, I think I do settle for things. I don't know when it started, but somewhere in the last two or three years I became consumed with the fear that the things I wanted in my life may not come to me; the idea that there was no guarantee that I would meet a man I could love, who could love me. That the road ahead in terms of being a writer and journalist would be so hard that I (probably) might not be able to make a comfortable living doing what it is I love.

Fear crept into my life. It still resides there. Fear of disappointment, of depression, of loss, of dashed hope. Intellectually, I know that most things have a 50/ 50 chance of working out in a positive way. I know that for any given possibility or thing I want to do, there is just as much chance of me succeeding as failing, which means that all the avenues are open. But it doesn't feel that way.

So, I find myself thinking and rethinking about his words. I don't want to cling to the belief that I'm not worth getting paid for my work, that the only way into a publication is an internship. I want to believe that if I act as an independent contractor, one day the door will open. I also want to believe that if it doesn't feel absolutely fabulous with a guy, he's not the one, no matter how much I'm afraid he might be the closest thing I find to love.