Za Za Zu

I sit here listening to 1945 Gene Krupa and Orchestra jazz, my head spinning from all of the things in the works since this week began, and it's only Tuesday. 

My last post really took it out of me, exhausting me in a way I haven't felt in a long time, and yet I think, out of all my blog writing, it is one of  the two pieces I'm most proud of. I still wonder if I did the right thing by divulging so much personal information in such a public space. There are demons I've kept secret for a long time and things that still hide in the shadows. But in the end, I'm me and you either take me as I am, or you don't take me at all. 

But I sit here, procrastinating from cleaning my room (a process three months in the making), vacuuming, finishing that article, printing out my samples portfolio and cleaning the kitchen. 

I've been thinking a lot about attraction lately. What is attraction? Is sexual attraction something which must only be accomplished organically, when you least expect it? Is the organic piece of it the thing that gives you that oomph feeling, that spring in the step, and fire in the belly, the excitement, as Carrie says---the Za Za Zu? Or is it possible to find someone you think you might personally be compatible with, seek them out and then find the attraction later? This kind of attraction would be planned then, because the seeking out of the compatible person would be deliberate. Is it possible to get that Oxytocin rush that way? Or does the deliberate nature of it negate any sort of natural rush. Granted, the deliberate nature doesn't mean forcing sexual chemistry to come about, it just means that expectations of getting on well personally are already established and the excitement part is hoped for. 

I can look back on my little bits of experience and say that the most spark-worthy experiences I've had with men happen when I'm not looking at all. My heart is always open for love, but sometimes I force my head to focus on a job or adventure or family, and in so doing, after months of loneliness, something completely unexpected pops up and it takes my breath away. What a fabulous occurrence. Having that guy that looks so good take my breath away when he's interested in me! 

The down side here though, is that in all of these circumstances, things haven't worked out for me, and even more so, I'm the one left feeling more attached and hurt. So in the end is it worth it? The optimist in me hopes it's possible to go out with someone I think I'd personally be compatible with, and then meeting him, get the butterflies too. Here's to hoping for the compatible za za zu.