Finally Using his Name

He wrote a blog to say goodbye to a lost love and in it he included a beautiful song by The Cure.

It made me sad to know that I still harbor these hurt feelings, this wanting to know, this longing for Sean after I barely knew him. I barely knew him and to him, although he didn't say it in so many words, I was nothing. I was just one more pretty and willing girl in Portland, charmed by him and his cigarettes and his writing and his words and the leather jacket and the motorcycle. And after all this time I still can't let him go entirely. I think he will always haunt me, which makes me sick to my stomach, because here I am pining for more than a year, numerous emo-inspired blog posts written about him, and for what? For someone who didn't care enough about me to even register me on his map.

And the saddest part of all is at least Andrew's affair involved a song, with beautifully written words invoking all sorts of feelings for someone who once loved him, who saved him, whom he loved deeply.

I'll never get a song from Sean (yes, I'm finally using his name, because, as I said, I'm quite sure he's forgotten me). If only I could know that I meant something to someone I thought was so special.

But like Andrew said, the woman he loved died--she vanished. And I came to find out that the man I hit it off with so well was both himself on that first moving-the-office-day and something else that I didn't like.

I'm consoled by the fact that a week after I met Andrew, he saw fit to write me a gorgeous letter---one I still reread and keep tucked away in a protective box.

Maybe one day I'll get a song.