Running into the Sun...

Last night I drove into the Sun. It set with orange, round fiery brilliance into the palm trees in the west. I don't know why I bring this up, only to say that it was really something quite neat.  

I made a connection with him on Monday, the very night I decided to sever it. And having started the grieving process, all I have to do is sit tight and let it burn down to ashes, which will happen eventually. It just feels really hard right now.  

Is it possible to both value your demons as much as you hate them? I hate my deeply reflective nature almost as much as I nurture it. I see value and know that true beauty lies within attachment and connection, and yet, wish with every fiber of what I am, that I could just let things come and go without caring or getting attached at all. Wishing I didn't feel pain in the depths, it is something unique about me, something that makes me truly an individual. Dare I dream and hope to find disappointment, or is it better to not hope at all? Disappointment for me is the thing that crushes. 

The world however, has opened up new possibilities even in the same way it broke some of them. I no longer believe in waiting to line ducks in a row or be this perfect version of me before searching for what it is that I want. I vow to be open to the possibility that at any given moment something really cool can happen. He could be sitting next to me in traffic or walking in the same park as I. I mean, if it happened more than once, this is only statistical proof that it will happen again, hey?

Jacob Dylan sings, 

I've got my window open wide/

I've got my window open wide/ 

....

Because I know something good this way comes